


What Could Have Been

by SporaticSpinner



Category: Speed Racer (2008)
Genre: Broken Hearts, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Implied smut (if you squint), Lost Love, Old Love, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SporaticSpinner/pseuds/SporaticSpinner
Summary: When little things add up Y/N has to decide if she can tell a big secret.A/N: The age of the actor playing Spritle got me thinking, this is what occured
Relationships: Racer X/ Y/N, Racer X/Y/N, Raxer X x Y/N, Rex Racer / Y/N, Rex Racer x Y/N, Rex Racer/Y/N
Kudos: 4





	What Could Have Been

“I don’t get it, Pops, what just happened?”

“Togokhan’s played us for chumps! That’s what.” Pops looked like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to punch something or just give up. Sparky was in shock. Speed clenched his fists and ground his teeth before storming to the Mach 5 and burning rubber out of the garage.

They all stood and started as the car disappeared, not knowing what to say. Then Pops shook himself and went to follow Speed. Y/N reached out and touched Pops on the arm. “Pops, I’ll go talk to Speed. Will you tell Spritle it’s bedtime?”

“Thanks, Y/N, and yeah Sparky and I got the kid. Sparky!” Pops patted her hand and went deeper into the house while Sparky followed. Smiling Y/N went to grab her keys.

“Would you like me to go with you, Y/N?”

“No thanks, Inspector. I’ve got this.” He gave a curt nod and left. She took a deep breath and headed, at a more sedate speed, to the place she knew Speed would go, where he always we to clear his head; Thunderhead. No matter what name was on the deed, Thunderhead was a special place for the Racers; it was where they did their best thinking and they had the run of the place.

When she arrived at Thunderhead, she gathered the snacks she had brought as bribes and standing at one of the low points she reached up to touch the track. It was warm to the touch and told her Speed would be close to stopping and it would be the perfect time to offer her edible olive branches. Dropping her hand down to her side, she gripped the bag of snacks a little harder and continued to the finish line. The whine of an engine caught her attention, and she realizes there are two cars on the track. _Who else would be here at this hour?_ A flash of yellow and white overheard. _Racer X, how would he know to be here?_ Curiosity building and pieces falling into place, she maintained her course. Speed had a tendency to stop only when the run was complete, so she knew he would land on the checkered line when he had burned through the first wave of anger. She was ready to wait as she had so many times before.

Then she heard the wreck.

It didn’t sound too bad, but at those speeds minor problems easily became disasters, so she picked up her pace.

Climbing the stairs, she heard the two men talking. _Thank goodness they’re OK!_ They? Why was she so concerned about both of them? It’s not as if she knew Racer X…

“No, Speed, I’m sorry, but your brother is dead.” _Oh, my… Speed was doing the same math! Of course he was,_ despite what his teachers said Speed was far from dumb and things were adding up. When she reached the top of the stairs she stopped, not wanting to interrupt the moment.

“Sorry, that’s for you to figure out. I just hope when you do that I’m there to see it.” As Racer X finished his speech, her heart was racing, forcing the blood through her body as quickly as the cars they drove. Oh my gosh, he couldn’t have made a more Big Brother Speech if he’d tried. It was him, it was really him. Her heart stopped. Holy crap, how much do you tell him?

She watched Speed sulk back to the Mach 5 and drive off to the garages or home she didn’t know or care and stood in shock and thought; holding the snack bag against her chest like it was a shield against the revelation dropping like a bomb over her soul.

Rex was alive and in front of her.

When Racer X turned away from Speed she stepped out of the shadows and waited for him to see her. When he saw her he suppressed his surprise with well-rehearsed ease, but she caught it; a weight shift and a shoulder tilt. Her breath caught and any remaining doubt disappeared.

“Rex… it is you…” She reached out to him but stopped halfway through her first step because you see him freeze. “Please, just talk to me…”

“I… I know how much he meant to your family, but like I told Speed; I’m not Rex.”

“Don’t lie to me.” She chided, in that comfortable way couples do. “Certain things you say, the way you drive, the way you do anything to protect Speed and put a smile on his face, heck the way you take your pancakes. These are things only Rex Racer would do. Can we go somewhere and just talk?” Conflict ran across his face but then he squared his shoulders and set his jaw and she knew he was about to make some excuse and run away, so she played the only card she had left, “Come on Hot Shot, I need ice cream.”

He remained tense another moment before a genuine laugh rang out across the track and his shoulders relaxed. “Why does that always work?”

“Because I’m fabulous, and you love me, duh. Come on, I’ve got a car that can hold over one person and won’t draw unwanted attention this way.” She wanted to reach out and hold his hand but knew that would be too much, so she thumbed towards her car and turned to return the way she just came; not waiting for him. He would follow. His laugh was proof of that. “Do you have something to change into? You’re not exactly ‘inconspicuous’ in your racing leathers.”

“Yeah, in the locker room, give me 10 minutes.”

When he came out in street clothes, she was sitting on the hood of her car. She studied him as he moved towards her. The new and the familiar in such stark contrast, she wondered how no one else saw it. No physical markers remained. She had to tip her hat to the surgeons on that, but he still ducked his head when uncomfortable. Still jammed his hands into his pockets or clenched his fists so hard she wanted to tease him about breaking his own bones again. There were differences too; he carried a firearm at all times now. She didn’t react to it, but it was there in a hip holster, and it was obvious it was as normal to him as wearing a watch. He also held himself with more awareness. Rex had always been confident, but now he seemed to be aware of every inch of his body at all times and aware of his surroundings. He was always looking around, aware of the conversation enough to respond correctly, but she was sure he could tell her how many birds were on the far side of the track and how much gas was in her tank if she asked.

She stood and gestured him towards her car. An easy welcome back into her world he desperately wanted to accept at face value but after a decade working with the CBI and living on the run he remained on high alert looking for any ulterior angle. He prayed she had none.

40 minutes later they settled in a booth in the back of the store, each with a sweet treat; she had a bowl, and he had a simple cone. Neither let it reach their face, but both smiled inwardly at the familiarity of this moment and marveled at how they were falling into old patterns despite the time apart. Not knowing how to ease into the conversation, she jumped into the deep end.

“I’m glad to see you’re not dead. Are you happy in this new life?”

“Yeah, there are some wonderful parts; I mean, I get to drive like I always wanted.”

“We love watching you. I always knew you would be one of the best.”

“I know you did. You told me often enough.” This time the smile made it to his face. She watched the changes dance across this unfamiliar face, watched how a genuine smile softened the profile and wondered what that skin would feel like on her lips.

He wanted to reach out and touch her, feel her hair between his fingers again. But he knew she was one of the many things he had left behind. He still didn’t like to admit it to himself, but walking away from her had been the hardest part. There was still a Y/N sized hole in his heart, scared over now, but she was a tough act to follow. Hell, the fact he was here was proof enough of that. “How is it I can deflect Speed and Pops doesn’t event bring it up, but I can’t shut you down? Why can’t I keep you at arm’s length?”

“I told you Hot Shot; I’m fabulous and you love me. If it makes you feel better, I don’t have any defenses against you either. Never did.” You duck to look at your ice cream and tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

“You nervous, Y/N?”

“How did you know?”

“Your tell is still the same.”

A dry laugh barks out, and she rolls her eyes before looking at him again. “I guess so… I’ve got so many emotions running through me I can’t pin them down to name them.”

“Understandable; me too. How are you? What are you up to? You’re still involved with my… with Racer Motors?”

“I’m OK. I’m doing a bit of this and that, but I’m an electrician with Racer Motors. We’ve made some amazing developments in… sorry.”

“No, your enthusiasm was always endearing.” Their eyes lock and the twinkle of affection is familiar and strange all at once; sending a thrill through her body she thought she would never feel again. His palms itch with the need to touch her, he rubs them on his thighs to suppress the need.

“As was yours. I have something to tell you and I’m not sure how to do it, so I’m just going to do it. But I need to ask you something first. Do you remember how long it’s been since you left Racer Motors?”

“A little over 11 years I remember. Why do you ask that?”

“Have you met Spritle?”

“Speed’s kid brother? Yeah… he almost lost his mind the first night I showed up at the house.”

“I remember. How old would you guess he is?” She resisted the urge to toy with her spoon.

“I dunno...10, 11? Wait… why?”

“Rex… there is another reason I am still so close with your family…” she wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eye so she looked at him sideways and through some stray strands of hair. She watched confusion settle on his face then saw the wheels turn as he thought about what she had asked him and then the panic shot across his face like lightening as what she had left unsaid clicked in his head.

“What?! No! What? Why didn’t you tell me?” She couldn’t tell if she wanted to laugh or cry, and the sound she made didn’t clarify the issue.

“I didn’t know until after you left, and by the time I found out I didn’t know how to reach you. Casa Cristo happened before he could walk.” He sat unable to speak, and she seemed unable to stop. The story had sat inside so long it would not let this opportunity by, so the words flowed like water from her mouth; fast, clear, and cleansing. “Your parents were wonderful; I mean, what else would they be? But they helped us so much. If your parents hadn’t stepped up the way they did… well, I almost didn’t keep him.” The look of pain on his face caused her heart to break all over, but she couldn’t think about that now. If she did, she would never get through this and she had to finish. “I was so young, and you had gone off the deep end then you died… and it’s not as if I was a widow, you never got around to asking me… I didn’t have a lot of options. They stepped up, let us move in. They helped with child care while I earned my degree and have been there in every way imaginable since.”

“I… Y/N… had I known…”

“Don’t say that…” her voice caught in her throat, “please don’t say you would have stayed had you known about him. I wanted you to stay for you, for me, for us. I wanted you and I to be enough.” His eyes pleaded with her, begging her to understand why he made the choices he did. How trapped he felt at the time and that he didn’t know how to ask for the help that could have kept him with his family. She reached across the table and gripped his hand. “I’m not asking for anything, but you have a right to know.”

Her gentle smile broke him and the wounds he thought calloused over for years felt brand new.

He wished he had been stronger for her. Had been brave enough to talk to her about his fears and the decision he was facing. Wished so many things, but he’d decided and he couldn’t change it now. There were so many moments he regretted that choice, and now there were infinitely more. Moments he had missed, a life and family he had walked away from. He looked away from her and his eyes landed on a young family in another corner of the store. Laughing and smiling, the parents doting on their children. He kept looking and saw a family with an older child pouting while a toddler was working up to a grand tantrum. He had walked away from all of those moments with her and with Spritle. He ran a hand over his face and returned his gaze to her, and he suppressed the urge to sigh.

“Y/N, how are you, really?”

She looked up and arched an eyebrow at him, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”

“I never do.” She looked down at the table and started toying with her spoon. Inwardly, he winced. That wasn’t encouraging. She used to do that only when dealing with something big and unpleasant.

“Most days, I do well. Most days I don’t think about you at all. Sometimes I go a week without thinking of you. But then Spritle will smile just so, or laugh at something in just the right way, or become obsessed with one of your favorite songs, or dig his heels in about something silly and the missing you will hit me in the stomach and it becomes hard to breathe. Because he is so like you I am grateful and yet I want to cry because it makes me miss you all over again. Kids do crazy things to your emotions. It’s the nights that suck. 10 years on and I still can’t sleep well without you. I’ve learned how to work around it… mostly.” She shrugged, still toying with her spoon, the revelations too intimate for eye contact.

“Y/N…”

“No, please… don’t say my name like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you still love me. I can’t handle that. You being alive is hard enough.”

“What if I said I did… still love you, that is?”

“Then I would have to smack the shit out of you and leave.” Her head lifted, and she made eye contact. But where he was expecting vulnerability or something soft in her eyes, he found fire, hurt, and anger. “Because if you had loved me then you wouldn’t have left the way you did. You would have talked to me, let me in so we could have found a path forward together. But no, you went at it alone and left your support network and me behind. So you didn’t love me. Not the way you just meant it.” She stared at him, daring him to contradict her.

He sat frozen. He had known his decision wouldn’t be easy for anyone, but it hadn’t occurred to him she would question his love for her. Despite years of practice bottling emotions, every time their eyes met he felt like that awkward, love-struck teenager who asked her out the first time all those years ago. Every time she laughed he remembered when he would be the reason for it and the dull ache in his heart he had learned to ignore, the pain of walking away from her was fresh and sharp and new. The feelings so strong they left him lightheaded, and now she needed him to say he never loved her? It was the biggest lie ever asked of him. Faking his own death was one thing, he never had to look Pops in the eye and say he was dead. Now she was asking him to look her in the eye and say he never loved her. Say that it was easy for him to walk away from her; when he walked away to protect her. Could he make her understand, was it worth the effort? Would she be safe knowing his fingers tingled whenever she entered a room, aching to touch her? Could she survive knowing he wondered what her mouth tasted like now? Wondered if he buried his nose in her neck, would she still smell the same? How would she react knowing he noticed she used a different shampoo now?

She watched his face and fought the urge to scoot closer and comfort him. How was it everything was roaring back like it had been10 days, not 10 years? Her heart beat betrayed her and it felt like he must see every beat as it tried to burst through her chest. So many things had changed, but his protective instinct towards his family hadn’t changed a bit. She couldn’t let herself imagine he counted her family, and ignored the memories of whispering his name to the dark, the plans they had made in the privacy of the moments after, how much she had wanted it all. She ignored how the few times she had gotten close to someone new she had whimpered his name instead of the correct one. 15 minutes on an ice cream date and she was ready to let him back into her heart. The thought caused her to panic.

“I… I should go.” She said overcome with a need to be not under his scrutiny for fear of what he might notice and frightened by how ready her heart was to let him back in.

“What? No, stay…” He reached out and caught her hand. “Stay a little longer. We’ve just started talking.”

“I’ve told you what I meant to. Now I need to go.” He held her hand tighter and struggled to make eye contact.

“Y/N, look at me.”

When she did his heart shattered. She felt it too and didn’t know what to do with the emotions.

“I have to go. Don’t you understand?” She struggled and when he didn’t let go, she wilted back into the booth, never letting go of his hand. His heart soared at that. “If I don’t go now everything I’ve spent 10 years suppressing and dealing with will suddenly be raw and tender again. You can’t stay, can’t be mine like you were, and I can’t grieve for you again. Please… don’t ask me to.”

“Mine are opening up again, too. Y/N, please don’t think what I did was easy for me on any level. I wanted to protect you and everyone from the hit men I knew would come after me. I wanted to make racing better for everyone, but for you especially.”

“Don’t say that… please…”

“Listen, I should have asked you long before I left. I should have made you a widow, not the jilted girlfriend.” Her sob broke through and they forgot the pretense. “All I’ve ever done was try to protect my family and make a better world for them.” He held her gaze as he finished, “You have always been my family.”

She fell against him and they clung to each other, words inadequate for the moment and emotions too big and too many to put words to. They clung, and she wept into his shoulder. She had always been a quiet crier so no one else in the store was aware of the moment happening in the back corner; the booth where the young couples go to steal a kiss or two, or break up, or share important news. He held her and for the first time in 10 years let himself fully regret his choice not to confide in her and walk away in silence. The guilt and grief pulled him under and he clung to her as if she were a life raft. She wept for the years and precious moments he had missed; Spritle’s first steps, his first words, his first day of kindergarten, his first bruise, and his first tantrum. She grieved for the nights lost forever, Rex’s calming touch when she needed it, how he would steal kisses just because he could and as a diversion tactic when she was low. What it felt like when he held her close and whispered her name in the dark.

He had taken away her security when he left that night, and she had never gotten it back; not what they had had.

After a moment she pulled back and caressed his face, earning her the shiver it always did. She rewarded him with a smile. “If you’re not with Inspector Detector the next time he stops by, I’m telling Pops who you are.”

“You wouldn’t…”

“Like they don’t already know.” She laughed and rolled her eyes and it distracts him for a moment before his brain catches up to what she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, don’t play dumb with me, Hot Shot. Who do you think we are? Why do you think Pops wouldn’t let the boys watch your races too closely? You set a lot of wheels turning driving with Speed at Casa Christo, and a lot of pieces are clicking into place.” She felt him stiffen, and she hurried on, “Stop that, no one will say a thing about anything to anyone. And it’s not like we will invite you for Thanksgiving. But if you stop showing up from time to time, you’ll break your mother’s heart and then I’ll have to sick Trixie on you.”

“Not Mom?”

“I want you back; not dead. You stop coming around and I send your mother after you, you’re dead; for real this time.”

Again that comfortable laugh left him, the one he thought had died years ago and is magically back. Bursting from him with such vigor it put him off kilter. He had almost forgotten what this woman did to him.

“Besides, if I don’t see you and Spritle playing a video game or watching cartoons together I might give up.” He stopped and toyed with his mostly melted ice cream, building courage for what he needed to ask.

“Y/N, why did you… why didn’t…”

“Why did I what?”

“Keep him?” She had expected the question but not how hard it was to verbalize her answer.

She licked her lips, searching for the words. “I… it was all I had left of you. I prayed the child would have something of yours to keep you alive. I don’t know who needed it more at that point; me or your parents. He blessed us though; there is so much of you in him I sometimes wonder if I’m in there at all.”

“You are.” She turned a quizzical face towards him, and a lopsided grin sneaked onto his face. “Yeah, you’re there all right. I haven’t spent a lot of time with him, but you’re there. You’re in his thinking face and the way he studies someone when he’s suspicious. But mostly you’re in his unreserved joy in whatever he’s focused on. I’ve watched him turn a scrap piece of metal into a functional object without realizing the skill it took. That’s you all over.” She smiled gently and reached for his hand.

“Thank you. I guess it’s hard to see yourself, you’re too close to it.” She gave his hand a hard squeeze and gathered her things.

An unexpected panic shot through his body, setting his fingers tingling like they did when he was full of adrenaline in a race and he desperately searched for a subject that would keep her at the table with him. Keep her here in this stolen bubble of a moment, golden and delicate and pure. But there was nothing he could think of; they had said everything that needed saying. Their final conversation was ending and he would be alone again.

Then it struck him as hard as a T-180 in a race. He wouldn’t be alone. Not like before. She had given him his laugh back. She had invited him into the lives of everyone he had walked away from with warmth and forgiveness. She had given him a son. A son! He looked up in wonder at the woman who forever would truly hold his heart, no matter what he told the others. She held the true place of honor and always would.

She caught his eye and smiled. Yes, she could never have the life they had dreamed of all those years ago, but they had a chance at… something now. And having him at all was better than him dead. So she squared her shoulders, looked him in the eye, and said, “I’ll be seeing you around then.” She waited for his nod before she calmly walked out of the ice cream parlor and to her car.

He sat and watched her leave, noting each change in her body and each familiar quirk. He sat in the booth for another 10 minutes while their ice creams became soup, thinking over all she had told him. He had a son and his parents loved the child! Y/N was secure and able to provide for her and the child and they had a loving support group that would do everything in their power to protect them. What more could he ask for? Wiping his hand over his face, a true, full smile settled on his mouth as he cleared the table and left the store. Inspector Detector would kill him, he thought as he called for a ride, but what a story did he have to tell first!

It was only later once she was home and safely in her shower she curled up in a corner and let the sobs out. Her shoulders heaved and she couldn’t tell the water from her tears until she realized she was laughing and was shocked to find it was from joy. Rex was alive and Spritle would know him! There was plenty emotional fall out to deal with, but really, what more could she ask for? Y/N went to sleep that night easily and with a genuine smile on her face for the first time in over a decade.


End file.
